


it’s too soon to see (if I’m happy in your hands)

by moxiemorton



Series: I'm stuck in the dark (but you're my flashlight) [7]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 08:20:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14052822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moxiemorton/pseuds/moxiemorton
Summary: Bemily Week Day 7 - angstIt should be a mutual understanding, a consensus. But it's not and both of them know it.





	it’s too soon to see (if I’m happy in your hands)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is incredibly late and I hate it but I’ll feel eternal unrest in my heart unless I post something for this prompt so here’s some hot garbage for ya
> 
> Also this kind of goes against what I posted for FwB (day 5) so like, think of it as an alternate side for that situation...I guess?

Emily always just tries to go with the flow. She’d learned from her loving family to enjoy every day and live life to the fullest, and she manages to put a positive lens in front of everything she sees. She’s happy doing anything that makes her friends and family happy, she loves being accommodating when it comes to decision-making, and she prides herself on being adaptable. 

With a last name like Junk (or Hardon, she’ll honestly never know which is the better choice) and a mother who still talks about her college sex life like it happened only yesterday, Emily’s accepted over the years that weird things just happen to her and the only thing she can really do is roll with the punches and shrug it all off. Of course, she doesn’t let anything or anyone step all over her, but she knows when to stand her ground and when to let things happen the way they want to. 

For heaven’s sake, she was accepted into the Bellas — a  _ nationally _ acclaimed musical group — by singing her unfinished, unpolished, original song as an impromptu audition piece in their living room with half the leadership missing. If that doesn’t define her weird, shit-just-happens-to-me kind of lifestyle, what does?

So when Beca Mitchell,  _ the _ Beca Mitchell, hooks up with her one night after a Trebles party, Emily doesn’t think twice and just goes with it. Neither of them are drunk, Beca is smiling as she kisses the freshman, and Emily has harbored a crush on the captain long enough for this to feel like the biggest and greatest miracle. And it doesn’t even end up being a one night stand; they continue to spend increasing amounts of time together — not always spent doing  _ naughty _ things, Emily is somewhat happy to add  — and grow closer as they talk about everything and nothing late into the night. They grab coffee together, they cuddle on the living room couch and watch terrible reality TV together, and they sneak off during or after parties together. 

But it doesn’t progress beyond sneaking around. 

If their interaction involves anything more than platonic gestures, it’s done in secret or behind closed doors. A quick peck on the lips when they stop by the cafeteria bathroom. Brief make-out sessions when Emily’s roommate steps out to take a call. Teasing touches exchanged under the table when the Bellas go out to dinner. 

She’s Beca’s best friend when they’re ordering takeout or doing homework together. But then she’s Beca’s girlfriend when they’re confronted by a sleazy guy at the club. Then she’s Beca’s friend from college when they visit Beca’s hometown during breaks. Then she’s Beca’s sexual partner when they have the Bella house to themselves.

And she’s just a fellow Bella when they’re at rehearsals or performances. 

Emily just tries to keep up with all of the different identities she has to carry around and switch into at the appropriate times. Apparently it’s okay for her to be “with” Beca when they’re hanging out with Jason and Katie, Beca’s high school friends, but she has to be “Beca’s friend” when her more conservative friend, Melanie, joins them. To Beca’s parents, Emily is a “close friend,” but for more distant relatives, she’s “the newest member” of the Bellas. 

She doesn’t mind juggling all of these titles. If anything, she understands that it’s not easy for someone like Beca, who’s always kept to herself and only dated guys, to have certain reservations about publicizing their relationship. 

But that’s just it. 

Emily doesn’t know  _ what _ their relationship is, even when they’re alone together.

Maybe it’s because she’s never been in this kind of friendship-relationship situation before. Maybe it’s just supposed to be this unspoken, confusing, mish-mash of emotions. Maybe they’re just not supposed to have any kind of defined label.

Maybe they’re just not supposed to talk about it.

But Emily  _ wants _ to talk about it. 

She’s tried on several occasions, but Beca is a master at deflecting and giving non-committal answers. It’s not that she shuts Emily down or brushes off her concerns, but she seems just as lost and confused as the younger girl. “I… uh. Don’t think I’m… ready for that. Yet.” She’d said when Emily asked if they were dating. “Is that okay?”

There’s no way she can say no. 

Saying no would mean that she wants to end this, and that’s literally the last thing she wants. So she just rolls with it, like she rolls with everything else. They don’t  _ need _ a label. They don’t  _ need _ anything but each other. Emily’s just happy having the amazing Beca Mitchell by her side. She should be grateful that the senior even sees her in this way.

Even if it’s unofficial.

Even if they aren’t dating.

Not even in secret.

And it’s fine, especially when they’re laughing together and enjoying each other’s company. There are times when they vibe so well that it’s almost like they were made for each other. They share comfortable silences and play fight over the last piece of bacon and send each other ridiculous memes every day. And it’s during these moments when Emily thinks,  _ we don’t need to be dating to love each other _ .

But when they’re not okay, when something happens and they have trouble talking to each other about it, Emily wishes with all her heart that they were dating so they could communicate as a couple. Their strange and ambiguous relationship, along with Beca’s reluctance to talk about “them,” makes it almost impossible for the freshman to bring up any issues they have. 

She can’t say anything when Beca hangs out with Jesse all day without telling Emily.

Or when she goes out to a party with Flo and Chloe without inviting her. 

Or when she gets drunk at a club and doesn’t respond to Emily’s frantic voicemails or texts until the next morning.

How can she? It’s not like they’re dating. Beca has no obligation to share every part of her life with Emily, and Emily has no right micromanaging Beca. 

She’d just appreciate a little more…inclusion. 

It takes almost three months of this to wear her down until she feels like crying every night she lies awake next to Beca.  _ You’re worth it to her, _ she tries to convince herself,  _ she wouldn’t have stuck around this long if you weren’t worth it, right?  _

Emily’s less and less sure each day. 

They’re sitting in Beca’s room one day when Emily feels something inside of her crack. “I don’t know if I want to do this anymore,” she says out of the blue.

She regrets the words the instant she utters them, because Beca looks up from her laptop, confused and then surprised and then heartbroken. “Oh,” is all she manages to say in response. And Emily doesn’t know what else to do than to literally pour her heart out. 

“I just…don’t know what we’re doing, Beca. I don’t know what we are, I don’t know what the limits are, if there even are limits, and I…don’t know what I am to you.”  She swallows, hard, and forces back the tears threatening to fill her eyes. “I get that it’s a lot to ask for, but is it so bad to just… fall into a category? To think of us as more than just… two people who like each other and occasionally have —”

“We can stop,” Beca cuts in quietly, and shrinks under Emily’s astounded and somewhat offended look. “I-I mean, like. You know. Just not do this anymore and go…back?”

“To what? Being  _ friends _ ?” And Emily realizes that if they do that, this wouldn’t even be considered a breakup. 

“Look, I’m just not…” Beca trails off, because she knows that Emily already anticipates the next word. “There’s a lot to consider, okay? Not just…my dumb commitment issues or lack of compassion and shit, but like. Literally everything else.” 

It clarifies close to nothing, and Emily struggles to find the correct words that would prompt the older girl to elaborate further. “So, what? We just…wait? Until you’re ready? We’re just gonna keep doing what we’re doing?”

“I know it’s unfair,” she says evenly, but Emily can see the deep and apologetic guilt in her eyes. “That’s why I’m telling you that we can stop doing this.” 

She understands. She understands, but can’t stop the bitterness from entering her voice. “Those are the choices? Keep up this…whatever  _ this _ is, or just end it?” And she wants to stop sounding so  _ needy _ , because all she wants is a little bit of reassurance. They don’t have to come out to all their friends or post their relationship on Facebook or hold hands in public. She just wants to know that Beca is hers. 

She just wants to consider them to be dating, even if it’s just between the two of them. 

And while she wants to say all of this to Beca, she still feels like she doesn’t have a right to, that she would be sharing too much of her desires and feelings for her captain to handle. And Beca still isn’t saying anything and just staring at her hands. “Do you…love me?” Emily asks instead, and the patheticness of her tone makes her grimace. She doesn’t like the brief but noticeable hesitation before Beca’s response, but she can tell from the slight tremor in the older girl’s voice that it’s completely genuine.

“Yes.” 

It only hurts her heart more. “Then why? What are you —  _ you _ , Beca Mitchell — not ready for?” 

“Everything,” she whispers, giving Emily a painfully forced smile. “You, Emily, deserve everything. Every single fucking part of me. Not just the fun stuff or the —” she blushes slightly, and despite the moment, Emily feels her heart skip at the adorable sight “— sex stuff, but every part. And for me, that means being able to show you off to the world and confidently say, ‘this is my girlfriend, this beautiful creature is  _ mine _ ’ and not have any reservations about it.” 

“But that’s not what I’m asking for,” Emily says, feeling a tear go down her cheek and angrily brushing it away. 

“I know. I know that’s more than you want, but you deserve nothing less than that, Em. You’re too…fucking pure for me. The least I can give you is a proper relationship. No closet, no secrets. But I… well I-I’ve just been really selfish, spending all this time with you and playing with your heart and confusing you and… I…” She looks at a loss for words, but Emily doesn’t know how she wants to finish her thought.  “Will you…” Beca starts again, taking a deep breath. “Will you wait for me? To, uh. To be ready?”

_ Yes _ , Emily wants to scream.  _ Yes, I will wait for you forever if I have to, because there’s no way I can ever want someone as much as I want you _ . But it’s not that simple, and she understands what and  _ why _ Beca is asking. Because Emily  _ has _ been waiting. She’d waited and waited but to this very moment, there’s no sign of progress on Beca’s part, and both of them know it. 

She nods silently. 

Because there’s no way she can say no. 

  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> title song: Love Song - Sara Bareilles
> 
> Come scream at me to write more Bemily: http://moxiemorton.tumblr.com/


End file.
